The lawn mower is my BITCH!!!

I hate my lawn mower.  It’s the cheapest, shittiest piece of motorized crap to cut grass.  Unfortunately my plot in suburbia has green growth that needs cutting so I must deal with the piece of shit on a regular basis.  I hate to admit that I am such a girl that I had only mowed the lawn a couple of times in my whole life.  Yes, it’s true.  I know that takes me off the market as every man’s dream woman, but I must be honest.  SO…lawn season, 2006 commenced.  I watched as square lots around me were trimmed, whipped, thatched, fertilized.  I knew it was pressing down on me, the day when I must go out to the shed and face it.  I knew I remembered something about pushing the squishy red thingy to get gas into the engine, then squeezing the handle thingy then pulling the cord.  So I tried that.  Push, push, push…  Squeeze, YANK!  Nothing.  How anticlimactic could it be?  I was waiting for the loud noises and the spinning blades of toe-death but NOTHING!!!  So push, push, push, push (X19), squeeze, YANK…YANK….YANK…FUCK!  Nothing again.  This went on for about twenty minutes before I finally retreated and called the famous Dylan.  This boy will come over, lawn mower in tow and mow and trim for $20.  Done.  In an hour.  While I sit here at the table and surf the net.  It seems like the perfect solution and should be well worth my time and peace of mind to have Dylan be my lawn boy (no, not like that…he’s like 13 and has had a serious crush on my daughter for years…an added bonus, seeing her look of horror when I told her who the lawn boy was…but I digress) but I COULD NOT let this thing go.  This lawn mower had power over me!  Power to make me angry, power to let me look like the red neck of the neighborhood (not that there’s anything WRONG with that) with my long grassy/weedy lawn.  Power to scare the shit out of me with it’s whirring blades of toe death.  This could NOT continue.  So, in the last month I have learned that, while the lawn mower seems to want me to make gentle love to it before it will do what I want, I can slap it around a bit and make it start.  So, girly-girls, here is the recently divorced woman’s guide to starting the piece of shit that your cheap ex-husband so graciously left behind so that he could justify buying the top of the line, self-propelled, do-everything-but-get-the-mail mower:

1. Starting Fluid: Apparently this is the end-all, be-all for starting your mower early in the season. Just spray it in the hole and prime it and it will start…I must admit that I was thrown this bone by my ex (who was probably smiling inside because he KNOWS what a piece of shit this thing is…because he bought it and didn’t maintain it). Now, it doesn’t go in the grey thing with all the little holes. Spray it there and it will not work AT ALL! It goes in the big hole in the BACK of the mower. Spray it there and BOOM, it will start.

2. Priming: The squishy-bulby thingy is apparently very important and you must push this thing repeatedly to get gas into the engine. Do this IMMEDIATELY before pulling the thing.

3. Flat Surface: Thank you Pete (loving step-father) for this tip…which is very important for starting my particular piece of shit. Put the lawn mower on the driveway when you start it. They like that.

4. Pulling the Cord-Thingy: This, I am learning, should not be too hard if all of the above steps have been implemented. In my vast experience with lawn-mowing, if the piece of shit is going to start, it will do so, or act like it is going to do so in the first pull or two. Doing this sixteen times in a row will only serve to give you sore arms in the morning so don’t do it.

5. Swearing: This is VERY IMPORTANT ladies…piece of shit mowers are very picky about sequencing. You need to discover the Goddamit and Fuck order for your particular mower. Keep in mind, as well, that the sequence changes depending on the part of your yard you are mowing and the time of day. You may want to take notes and keep them next to your gas can.

6. Gas: The piece of shit DOES require fuel. Look under the cap that says fuel. This will NOT be the problem with starting it, though, because that would just be too easy. If it IS the problem…get a gas container and fill it up with gas like you put in your car.

7. Surrender: Knowing when to quit is the most important thing. If you find yourself wanting to go over to your ex’s house and throw eggs at his windows, you have already gone too far. You MUST learn to beautify your own lawn. This is VERY important in the divorce healing process for a woman. If you can maintain the lawn on your own, you can do ANYTHING. Give up for today and try again later…if you are feeling VERY red-neck (not that there’s anything WRONG with this) about the condition of your yard, call your local lawn boy. If not, try again tomorrow.

8. BEER: Very important last step. Sit back and enjoy after your effort, whether the piece of shit started for you or not. You deserve it.

I just want to thank the many many people who helped me along to obtain “The lawn mower is my bitch” status. I could never be where I am today without your phone calls, messages and words of support. I think of you all, every time I hear the whirring of the blades of toe-death on the first yank.

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