Tell me what to do…

I need help.  Perspective.  That is what I need.  I need those who have been where I am and those who see it clearly to tell me what to do.  See, I am a nurse.  I have spent my entire career (13 years) surrounding myself with pregnant women and birth.  Early on, I knew my ultimate career dream was midwifery ( www.midwives.org ).  This is my vision.  I want to catch babies.  I want to help women labor and birth the way their bodies are designed to and in a way that feeds their souls toward empowerment.  I have witnessed hundreds and hundreds of women give birth and families begin and have done this in the role of “staff nurse”.  Nurses implement care that has been decided on by someone else.  It is very frustrating to me on many levels and I am ready for a change.  Last March I enrolled in the masters degree program at the Frontier School of Midwifery and Family Nursing.  This was the realization of so many years of dreaming and wondering if I ever would.  My divorce changed everything…the realization of different hopes for myself was more important at that moment in my life.  School just had no place right then.  Women can do it all, in my opinion, but they cannot do it all well.  I was not willing to sacrifice the well-being of my four kids whose lives were being turned upside down to pursue my own career dreams.  Being a parent does require sacrifice and this would have to be mine for now.

My dilemma is this:  Here I am with school on hold, divorce that is final, four kids who are healing, a beautiful relationship with THE man of my dreams and a leave of absence that is about to expire.  Part of me wants to live a low-stress life and enjoy my family.  Sit on the porch rocker and watch thunderstorms, go on weekend get-aways, take bike rides with the family and watch my kids play soccer.  School will get in the way of ALL of that.  I will not be able to do any of the above without my school responsibilities nagging at me.  Once I do finish school there are career concerns:  political battles inherent in being a midwife, being on call, long office hours after being up all night, increased liability, etc.  These are all things that had prevented me from pursuing this course for so long (along with fear and complacence).  I have talked myself out of this SO MANY TIMES.  The practical reasoning side of me tells me to let it go but I just can’t.  It calls me.  It haunts me.  It draws me.  It will not let me go.  This is the problem with finding the thing you were meant to do, you are responsible to do it or live with yourself if you don’t.  Over the last two years, I have come to know myself.  I have connected with who I really am and it is a wonderful feeling that I cherish.  I do feel that this course (midwifery) fits that somehow but right now it is daunting.  I am so tired from living a stressed out existence for my entire adult life and I just don’t know if I can do it.  I have reached down deep into myself and made myself endure through so many things.  Do I do that again and pursue this thing that is calling me or do I let it go again (for now) to live a peaceful existence for a while?  Smell the roses, make love, take walks, enjoy the laughter of my children, dance, laugh…just be.  My leave expires around September 1st so I would appreciate someone tying this up into a very neat package for me by then.  Thank you!

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