Falling Into Life: A Gay Exmormon’s Journey

Chapter Three – The Disintegrating Gospel: The First Vision v1.0? or is that v1.9?

The First Vision is the backbone of the Mormon Church…

It is a requirement that you admit the veracity of this Vision before you can be baptized a member of the church. Growing up a Mormon, you are taught the First Vision from a very early age. You will undoubtedly have heard it before you start Primary as a young five year old. Before that it’s told to you while in Family Home Evening, Sacrament Meeting before you’re whisked off to childcare, and then endlessly from that point forward.  It is the story of how Joseph Smith began his odyssey of the restoration of the only true church on the face of this planet, and it is also something Mormon missionaries use as part of their “discussions”.

It used to be the very first discussion when I was serving the Madrid, Spain Mission from 1984-1986. It was a difficult sell, not only because Spain’s population is 99% Apostolica Catolica Romana, but because Mormon missionaries are dangerous freaks to them. I not only carried the bizarreness of the church wearing my delightful chapa (nametag in Spanish) declaring the words Elder Lee, but I was an  American who dressed like I was an amnesiatic Wall Street trader talking about God. “Hola, me llamo Elder Lee. Estamos en su bárrio esta manana para discutír una mensaje muy importante. Una mensage de amor. Tiene unos minutos para hablar con nosotros?” No wonder they said they weren’t home or laughed.

Take in that whole image and place it in front of a typical Spaniard and then take a step back and watch what happens. Hilarious! Most Mormons still believe that the entire earth would want to convert to Mormonsim. And *all* faithful Mormons believe that every single person who has every lived, or who will ever live on this planet will be given the chance to accept it, either while still breathing or in the Spirit Prison where non-Mormons are kept after they die whilst waiting the good word. Yes, that is correct, you can’t escape them even *after* you die. Too bad for those lame Spaniards who turned me away! There goes their chance for Eternal Happiness_©!

I think I still have my stained white shirt from the day a Spaniard opened their window above my head and poured an entire pot of coffee on me and my companion. After that fateful baptism by java, I used it to collect signatures of all my companions and friends. And what an apropos beverage to douse me with, Mormons can’t even drink the stuff!  If it wasn’t for how absolutely stunning Spain is in general, I might have been quite depressed.

I can’t tell you how many Jesus images I saw on my mission fastened to doors, all sad, crying and short on the schnaz. The ritualistic kissing and touching of the image upon leaving and returning home through those front doors rendered dear Jesus noseless with adoration. That almost blew my mind more than cold knocking on a million Spanish doorsteps only to hear a voice utter, “Nádie está.” Typically when one wants to act as if they’re not home, they don’t answer by saying, “No one’s home.” out loud. Even funnier were the doors where there were small two to three inch little peep hole doors instead of small glass peep holes. In many instances the small door would open inward and I could see right on to the face of the person saying they weren’t there.

But I digress. So this First Vision, as I stated before, is the keystone to the whole shebang. As a matter of fact, the Prophet Gordon B. Hinckley stated in an interview called “The Mormons”, a PBS Documentary broadcast in April 2007 in reference to this First Vision, “Well, it’s either true or false. If it’s false, we’re engaged in a great fraud. If it’s true, it’s the most important thing in the world. Now, that’s the whole picture. It is right or wrong, true or false, fraudulent or true. And that’s exactly where we stand, with a conviction in our hearts that it is true… That’s our claim. That’s where we stand, and that’s where we fall, if we fall.”

Isn’t it strange that he’d use the word “fall” in describing what happens if it’s a fraud?

Universal Alignment: It happens to me a lot.

That’s not the first time such an audacious statement was made by a Mormon prophet. That same sentiment has been echoed many times before. They know full well that it is the hinge pin, the keystone, or the child’s finger in the leaking dyke in my case. It is one of the mandatory questions on the worthiness interview in order to receive the “blessings of the temple”, a misnomer if I’ve ever heard one. The First Vision is to Mormons what Christ’s Resurrection is to typical Christians, and so Mormons have two keystones embedded into their belief structure. One tied to the “original” church, and one tied to the “restored” church. If you become a Buddhist, it’s twice as far to fall.

The word “fall” is an embedded, emotionally-laden term in Mormonism. “Falling” indicates sin, as when Adam and Eve “fell” from God’s presence and even this physical planet out of an orbit geographically located by Kolob, the planet where God the Father and Christ live, into its current orbit in this solar system, all by chomping on the “fruit of that tree”. (What a setup! Sin must be instigated, and humanity must begin. Hmmmm, how to kill two birds with one stone? Brilliant!) You’re either standing with strength or you’re falling in sin and weakness.

According to LDS.org, the First Vision is defined this way, “The personal visitation in 1820 of God the Father and His Only Begotten Son, Jesus Christ, in answer to the prayer Joseph Smith offered, asking which of the churches he should join.” Given the importance of this Vision and all, most Mormons during Fast and Testimony Meeting, a monthly gathering where members get up on the pulpit in front of the audience and “bare their testimonies” to the congregation in an effort to convince everyone *once again* that it’s all “true”.

So when you’re on the spot, the First Vision is a good place to start. A typical testimony starts like this, “I’d like to bare my testimony that I know this church is true. I know Joseph Smith was a prophet of God and that through him the church was restored…” See how important this Vision is? So much hangs on it. I’ll get to the “feelings ≠ knowledge” a little later on.

To summarize the First Vision without belaboring the whole thing, Joseph Smith was confused about what church to join after attending a Religious Tent Revival in 1820 (that never happened according to local records), reads James 1:5 about asking God directly, goes to a secluded place in the woods and prays. First he’s attacked by an unseen evil thing. Then, God the Father and his son Jesus Christ appear and tell him to his face that none of the churches are true and that Joseph will “restore” the true church and that Joseph is the chosen prophet of it in this dispensation.

The First Vision is as stable as can be, if you’re born into it. It’s romantic, and lovely, and wonderful. Your entire faith is based on it, your testimony is based on it, and it works. Your ability to witness is anchored on it. The First Vision sets up the following Mormon doctrinal information:

· It provides a concrete, exact description of God’s physical nature (God and Jesus look identical according to the temple ceremony films)

· It sets up Mormonism’s patriarchal structure

· It declares that Mormonism is the singular correct organized religion endorsed by God on this planet, all other religions are errant to some degree, in other words, not perfect

· Sets up the direct conduit where a physical God speaks directly to a physical man

· Explains the effect of Satan as negative darkness, and God as white, righteous, positive, luminous light

· Sets up the concept of God’s own nuclear family, and that the First Vision occurrence was actually a Holy Family Reunion with one dad and three sons (Jesus as a resurrected son, Satan as the outcast, disembodied, angsty second son, and Joseph Smith as a newly minted chosen Prophet and “Son of God” as we are *all* “Children of God”)

The following facts are either unknown to faithful members surely to be discounted as anti-Mormon lies, or they are known and they’ve found a way to rectify the insanity of it and continue to allow the innocent to blissfully ignore the reality. These facts are all within the church’s wealth of historic materials, but inside the church structure they’re buried and not easily found. The Journal of Discourses, once touted as scripture by Brigham Young, is slowly disappearing. But the information age is here, it’s difficult to control that. It would take any member less than fifteen minutes to find the following facts, all with references and materials traced directly back to church sources.

There are *nine* First Vision accounts recorded in total, each different, between the dates of 1831 and 1844, the final version being recorded in 1842, followed by two further accounts given after the official version, both of those different as well. Of the *nine different accounts*, six were given directly by Smith himself, either in his own handwriting or as recorded directly by other people serving as a single witness or with more than one witness present.

Legacy, a film created by the church that recreates the First Vision and Smith’s life shown on Temple Square in SLC; any church produced text, any church produced media, all of the missionary materials, and every single instance of written material in the church indicates that there was only *one version* of the First Vision. That fact alone clearly demonstrates that they are trying to hide the reality. But why is it so important to hide that reality?

Because an inconsistent story lends itself to inconsistent beliefs and an inconsistent prophet. That’s why. If you want to suppress prophetic inconsistencies, you choose one version and you go with it. That chosen version is the one with the biggest bang for the buck, if you will. The seventh version, recorded in 1842, which is the only version to include an appearance by God the Father and Jesus and the evil visitor is the most bombastic, the most grandiose, and the most astounding version of them all.

Oddly, given the date that Joseph Smith said this First Vision occurred in 1820, and his first recorded version of it in 1831, Joseph Smith held back the fact, *for eleven years*, that he had even been visited by God and his first born son, Jesus, and his second born son, Satan (he’s the evil unseen one).

I learned that you have to challenge these things; you cannot just assume this is all upfront and correct as presented to you, as the church would have you believe. If you look up the definition on the website, and as given in all the materials and texts, you would *think* that Joseph Smith wrote this account when it happened in 1820. Au contraire, mon ami! The guy *saw* God and Jesus with his own eyes and he *never recorded it on paper* until 1831. First Vision v1.0 anyway.

But wait, there’s more! FV v1.0 of Smith’s in 1831 did not mention those visitors as described in the church’s official website definition! Each account, FV v1.0 to FV v1.9, differs in the inconsistent celestial and evil visitors, Joseph’s Smith’s age when he saw the Vision, as well as many other variances including angels of different sorts. These facts destroyed the previously solid concept I had upon which my entire belief structure was founded. This wasn’t my idea of a gospel foundation being built on rock instead of shifting sand. These facts put shifting sand under the entire thing.

I thought there was only First Vision v1.0, but now there was FV v1.0 – FV v1.9. Could it be possible that I really was engaged in a great fraud? Could I rectify this? Was there an explanation? Was my “thinking done for me” as previous leaders and prophets instructed me? This created much pain. This really hurt. This was tremendously disorienting, and altogether humiliating, and deeply heartbreaking, and simply disastrous.

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