Making Peace With Wrong
If nothing else, divorce has taught me that there is not necessarily justice in the world. I’ve definitely reaped many benefits from my divorce, the main ones being happiness, inner peace with myself, and really good sex with the hot man I married. It’s been almost three years since the finalization of my “amicable” divorce and, well, let’s just say that things are far from amicable. I struggle with what is going on because it causes my kids pain that could be irreparable in their lives. I struggle with being above it all and doing only what is right for my kids instead of what I would like to do.
There are phases of this, probably very similar to the phases of grief. I have been through the anger phase many times. I am least proud of the behaviors I have exhibited during this phase but I think I am much less psycho than most. And really, how bad is it to wish you had the balls to toilet paper your ex’s house? Or text him when your daughter is sobbing just so he knows what he’s doing to her? Denial has been there. Denial that he would use his hatred of me against our kids. Denial that he would continue doing it.
Through all of the phases leading, finally, to acceptance I have fought this idea of surrender and making peace. How can you make peace with an asshole? How can you make peace with the things that are happening to your children? How can you make peace with something so wrong? I think I have learned the secret: making peace with the wrong is the only thing you can do to get away from it. Wrong or injustice will always be there in the world but is it possible that the wrong exists just so that I can learn from it? Probably not.
I’m not religious enough any more to believe that there is a predestined purpose for shit. Getting hit by a truck is wrong and unjust but it happens. Cancer happens and you have to make peace with it. Ultimately at the end of your life, you have to look back at what you made peace with and what you held on to. I am looking at these heart broken kids, knowing they will carry this wrong throughout their life someday having to make peace with it themselves. This, by itself, makes me want to hold onto the anger and the hatred, but I can’t. I will let this go. I’ll make peace with the wrong so that I can show them how to do it themselves. Without this peace, I can’t be ultimately happy. So now, no matter how wrong it is, I am letting it go.
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Oh this is so true. I agree – we can make peace with something – forgive it – but we will never forget it, even if it’s just to protect ourselves.
Bad things DO happen to good people, nobody (not even God) guaranteed that life would be fair.
But we get to decide how we face our challenges, and I think you’re doing a great job.
I feel the same way about you Katie. You are brilliant and funny and wonderful. I can’t wait for you to start blogging (hint, nudge)!
What else can you do but let it go? I am stunned by the horrific actions of men who decide they’re going to punish everyone around them and do permanent damage so they feel better. It really astounds me, but I understand it.
Some parents, like mine, are extremely limited in their mental ability. They’d rather hurt and bail on you then try and work it out, try and move forward the best way they can. They’d rather hate than love. I don’t know why they did it to me, and I don’t know why you’re dealing with it. But one thing is certain, we surely didn’t see it coming.
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I’m very proud to call you friend, my dear. Thanks for inviting me to read your words. xox