Falling Into Life: A Gay Exmormon’s Journey

Chapter Fifteen – Tim Schneider and Robert Dowd: My Recurring Nightmare

I met Tim Schneider within a week or two of arriving in Thatcher, Arizona for three semesters at Eastern Arizona College after I had graduated high school at 5’ 4” tall…

He was effervescent, very engaged and a closeted queer. He had jumped back into the closet after living in California for many years, and had even been involved in a film called Attack of the Killer Tomatoes, he showed me the clip. I learned all of this when he asked me back to his room and got out some photos and things. Looking back now, he was enamored with me, and I was too naïve to even understand that.

I liked him, I gave him rides all over that small town, introduced him to my G’ma Lee, and we were buds in no time. He explained to me in his room as we looked at snapshots that he had been “gay” in California, but that he was stopping all that and preparing to go on his mission. He was from Globe, Arizona, a small, blustery, slag-filled mining town on the way to EAC. The whole situation made me uncomfortable, and I think I sensed his attraction, but not as what it was. I never went back to his room, but we hung out a lot together, including to the first big dance.

One time I was walking up to campus to choir, everyone had choir in this small Mormon town; it was directed by Dr. Lunt who was very energetic and the lightning rod for all things hip and cool for Mormons. There were plenty of cute guys in choir, and one such hottie was named Robert Dowd, obviously straight and not only in choir, but in a smaller quartet, too. The women loved him. I loved listening to them sing, Robert was the bass voice, he had delicious darker skin and black hair and was a fantasy for me.

One day as I walked to campus I approached someone I didn’t know, he seemed to know me, and he said, “Hey Steve! Buy a rose for your girlfriend, proceeds go to student council.” I said I didn’t have a girlfriend and he said, “Then buy it for Tim.” I was stunned and embarrassed. I later asked my G’ma Lee what I should do and she suggested that I tell everyone that I am not friends with Tim anymore, and that I was betrayed by him. I did this with everyone I knew, and I devastated Tim’s life.

About a month after this happened; he stuck a piece of paper on my windshield for my birthday. He had drawn my name and decorated it in colors. I was scared, he was waiting for me outside, and he looked really torn up. I asked a girlfriend of mine to help me out with the situation. We drove back to his place because he pleaded with me to talk to him. During that conversation I fell asleep, I don’t know why, that’s something I typically don’t do, and in my denial-life I told myself that Heavenly Father had done this to help me. Afterwards, as we drove away, my girlfriend said that he was in Satan’s grip and that I was never to speak to him again. She alluded to him being extremely base and unrighteous.

That was the last time I saw Tim until next semester. I had returned home for the holidays, and when I got back the town was teeming with a rumor that blew my mind: Tim and Robert were living together, they were both gay and were lovers. My mind reeled, I imagined them together, sometimes I saw them riding their bikes together down the road. It changed everything, the vibe was changed, and mostly because no one had *ever* imagined Robert was gay. People were simply blown away. There were stories of the two of them having huge jealous fights with police intervention, including thrown items, banging on doors and screaming. I had no idea *what* to think.

Soon after this I went on my mission to Madrid, Spain. I heard while there that Tim had died of AIDS, that was in 1985. I’m not sure we even knew it was called “AIDS” then. What I knew was that it was a horrific disease and it was God’s punishment for gays. I felt awful. Later, after our missions I found out that Tim had written a letter to one of my friends whom I came to know after I bailed on him. The letter was a plea for love, and it broke my heart when I heard about it. It fell on deaf ears, and my friend’s mother admitted that she wrestled with the idea of even sending it to him. It arrived after Tim had died. Both Tim and he played in the orchestra together. I imagined Tim dying so alone and lonely. I wondered what had become of Robert, I wondered if he had contracted the disease.

A few years after this I had met Jenni, my future wife, she lived in the apartment above me. She was spunky, unique, very cute, and very unMormonlike. We were in the middle of getting serious because she agreed to be baptized, so she would fit into the designated place necessary for eternal matrimony and exaltation. As we began to get more involved she invited me to activities within her group of classmates whom she knew at ASU. She was so excited to introduce me to her closest friend, and I was nothing but agreeable. She asked if I’d go to a meeting in her Music Therapy group that week and I agreed to.

As we approached the room, she was quite excited and chit-chatty about introducing me, and as we entered the room my jaw hit the floor: Her best friend was Robert Dowd.

Universal Alignment: It happens to me a lot.

I absolutely could not believe my eyes or even comprehend what the *hell* had just happened. I was immediately quiet around him. I quickly sat so that Jenni was between us. He was as hot as I remembered him, this man was gorgeous. I was battling my internal demons, and he was so beautiful. He also brought back a flood of memories. I became immersed in my thoughts about Tim, about it all, about how this event could have even aligned. It was another message from God: Steve, you are gay.

(And this wasn’t the first time something like this occurred with men I lusted over in my past. The week I returned from my mission and viewed my first gay porn, my cousin came over to introduce me to her husband and their new baby. When they arrived I realized she had married the strapping stud from my diving team in high school whom had taught me the moves and created much turmoil in my brain.)

Why was this happening with Robert? It was as if God himself was trying to keep me from marrying, or he was torturing me with this turn of events. I was seriously subdued; certainly Robert could sense my eyes on him. Did he think I was gay because of Tim before at EAC? What had Tim told him about me? If he ever found out about my desires, certainly it would get right back to Jenni. The questions were endless. I was getting closer to explosion with my homosexuality. I could cut the pressure with a knife. There I was sitting next to my fiancé but pining away for Robert and being mentally whipped by my domestication.

Un-fucking-believable.

My desire for healing through prayer intensified. I just kept on going with my eye on the fact that soon I would be eternally married and all this would be behind me. We’d never have to hang with Robert again.

About a month later, I was sitting in the student center when a guy walked by wearing a hoody, shorts and incredible legs. I was immediately intrigued and tried to catch his eye, see if maybe he was interested in me. He did look at me quickly, but it was crowded and so I stood up, packed up my books and began to follow him. A trick I learned on that campus was to cruise behind men who gave me a look. They typically would lead me to a restroom where we might touch, or feel each other like vandals in the night. I followed him through several buildings and he headed for the restroom known for cruising. My heart started pounding like it always did.

He entered the bathroom first; I waited a few seconds to make sure we were not followed. I walked in and his shorts were down. I quickly unzipped my pants, dropped my book bag, pulled off my shirt (and garment top), and looked right into the eyes of Robert Dowd.

In that moment I knew I was done for. In complete silence I redressed and left as quickly as I could. Robert said nothing. In the ensuing weeks I was sure he would blow the whistle on me with Jenni. He didn’t. About six months after we were married, Jenni went to a Music Therapy Conference, after she came home she told me that Robert had asked her to dinner and had taken about an hour to tell her that I was, indeed, gay. She told him he was absolutely incorrect, and asked me if any of it were true. I denied it all.

That was the last time I heard of him.

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