Falling Into Life: A Gay Exmormon’s Journey
Chapter Eighteen – Regaining Strength!
I had been controlled by fear my entire life! Fearful of a silent, vengeful God. Fearful of this Satan character who, with his legion, was waiting around every corner to drag me to hell…
Scared to death of my own sexuality. Scared of losing my soul, of losing my children, of losing my temple blessings, of losing my testimony, of losing my eternal marriage, of losing my parent’s love, of losing my Heavenly Father’s love, of losing everything I had!
But interestingly, that’s all I knew, so that *was* everything at the time. And not knowing of anything else, I hadn’t an idea of what wonderful “blessings” awaited me once I dropped it like a hot rock and wised up. I was living The Truman Show! I was waking up after taking that pill in The Matrix! I faced my own destroying angels with bloody chrome swords; I was willing to face my own demise in order to just feel better and to stop the pain and the lies. And *this* time I would *not* be put back into the box.
I was tired of being scared, and I was slowly regaining strength. It felt wonderful! I was getting my mojo back. I was empowering myself to throw off archaic religious ideas and practices, I began immersing myself in nature with hikes, and a tattoo design. I had thrown away remnants of my past in order to move forward with dignity.
And suddenly I realized that after leaving everything behind, I didn’t have much left. It became clear to me that this is when people who apostatize from the Mormon Church are in danger of returning right back to it. Because it was such an intensive belief structure usurping all my time, all my thoughts, all my friends, all my support structures, I was literally left high and dry. If I wasn’t such a resourceful person, I actually might have thought that this was “suffering”, to be without friends, and family, everyone upset, angry and yelling at you for your choices.
But I am a *very* resourceful person, and I attribute this to my parents. Through everything in my life, my experiences have taught me to never give up, no matter what. Even having to defend the craziest belief structure in the world made me a stronger person! I just transferred that learned skill and applied it in the real world. I applied it to my healthy recovery.
What made me an amazing Mormon was now making me an amazing Exmormon. If there was a God, certainly he/she/it would allow me to plead my case on Judgment Day. This “God” supposedly created me, and I now refused to call myself a “mistake” based on any one given belief structure. If there was a “God”, I was created and loved by it. No more proving myself to anything, or anyone: deity or person.
I turned my mind inward towards my own strengths. What kind of person was I without all that façade? My homosexuality didn’t define me entirely. Nor did my changing religious beliefs. So what was I now? I now loved myself, I love my kids, the outdoors, and I love art. Of those four things I am absolutely sure! So, how could I take all my time and put it towards something that really mattered instead of into a closed religious circuit that only benefitted itself? I began reading more about my community, and in the local paper I saw a call for volunteers to join the newly formed Public Art Committee. Now *that* I could do!
I applied, got an interview, and I was accepted. I was slowly shifting my time into something really benefitting myself, and my community. I met fantastic people, and we worked very diligently to bring to my community its first publicly funded art installation: A collection of eleven art benches through the city and county. Now, I could have done this while a Mormon, but it would have piled on *way* more stress into my life, and it would have required time I simply did not have. But now, I had dropped the stress and picked up some happy! This was really working out.
I began structuring outdoor activities with my kids, and found a group called Front Range Gay Fathers, a support group of men, most in my same position from all faiths and backgrounds for the express purpose of learning how to support our kids through the difficult stuff. I had never met a more diverse group of gay men, from very effeminate to very butch, half the group I doubt the typical person might even be able to identify as gay. My world was expanding, others were accepting of me, and I became more comfortable in my own skin. This group met once a month and sometimes we scheduled activities with the fathers and the kids together. I began to realize that I was *much* more normal than I assumed I was. There were all kinds of wonderful fathers out there who loved their kids *just* as much as the Mormons did theirs.
I had energy to burn! I was regaining my physical and my mental strength. I loved hauling my kids around to art museums, botanical gardens, parks, and restaurants. Each night as I slept I spoke kind words to myself, and I realized that I wasn’t attacking myself much anymore. I loved shopping for clothes that made me look good, I tightened it all up, I *did* look good. I was amazed at how many men wanted to date me, talk to me, try to have sex with me. I had never realized that I was much of a catch, but I was realizing that even in this stage of my life with three kids and only 50% of my time available to spare without my kids, men were really into me. It would only take me four months to find my partner, the king of my heart.
At first I was so nervous about meeting members of my church in public, and I would avoid those situations, but that lasted only about six months. After that I realized that by avoiding those people, they would truly believe I *was* suffering somehow. I am sure that I had become fodder for many testimonies born in church, each of them lamenting my fall into Satan’s grasp. I could only imagine what my own siblings were blathering about me, weepy eyed and tearful that someone so close and loved could become someone so lost and sad. *snicker* Lemme tell ya, I was *not* sad anymore. I was leaping for joy with all my rescued time, energy, and money.
I would run into Mormons I knew, and they’d shy away from me, turn down store aisles, and evade me. I would, in every single case, do everything I could to walk up, trot up, present myself with a smile and say hello! This felt really amazing, because I put them on the defensive, I wanted them to see me engaged in life, happily busy with my kiddos, smiling and content, not slinking away in silence. And it wasn’t a façade this time. I *was* finally happy. And it just kept getting *better*. How silly I was to have believed all that fear, now I began to be able to laugh about it. Once you get through something so harrowing like that, it’s just gets hilarious!
I remember in the first year or so after I left the church, I was really paranoid to discuss the temple or even my secret temple name even with Exmormons. That programming was so thorough, I was sure that *somehow* God was going to strike me down. I climbed a fourteener, a 14,000 foot mountain (there are fifty-four of them in Colorado) called Mt. Bierstadt with a fellow Exmormon, and as we approached the summit, we passed a cairn of rocks that looked suspiciously like the temple altar. She and I jokingly kneeled on either side of it, and were spiritually wedded to each other, gripping each other’s hand in the “Patriarchal Grip”.
We howled about that, how did we ever think there was any true power associated with such a silly ritual. I wish I had nickel for the thoughts of every single temple wedded female who realized how tremendously *ugly* that ceremony was for them. The only retribution I felt that day on the mountain was not being able to find a secluded place to pee! Now *that’s* suffering. The last person to see me wear my temple clothes was my partner a week before those clothes took a dumpster dive. I put them on, called him in the room, and I wish I had that reaction on film. Hilarious!
I was done with taking everything so seriously. I had spent half my life trying not to laugh loudly. I laugh *loud*. Why in the world does God care how loud I laugh? How ridiculous! Or who I kiss, for that matter. My “god” doesn’t care with whom I couple, my “god” cares that I am nice to those around me, and that I treat those around me like I would want to be treated. The universal “golden rule” found in every single religion on the planet, but so rarely practiced, especially by Christians.
I was learning to love myself, and to love the world fearlessly for the first time in my life. I was learning to throw the rituals of my father away. In the instance of Mormonism, throwing it away means you have to learn to live again. You must grieve your beliefs like the death of a loved one. It takes time, and patience, and a lot of anger, but you do learn to live again. One of my favorite songs by Sting outlines this exact theme; it’s called When The Angels Fall:
Take your father’s cross gently from the wall, the shadow still remaining.
See the churches fall in mighty arcs of sound, and all that they’re containing.
These are my feet, these are my hands, these are my children, this is my demand:
Bring down the angels, cast them from my sight, never want to see a million suns at midnight!
When the angels fall.
Our hands are empty, the streets are empty, you can’t control us anymore.
No related posts.
Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.
test Filed under Etienne, Falling Into Life | Tags: Etienne, Falling Into Life | Comments (6)6 Responses to “Falling Into Life: A Gay Exmormon’s Journey”
Leave a Reply
Mormons: Everything you said was nonsense except for this tidbit that intrigues me. It’s still nonsense, but it’s nonsense that intrigues me!
You stated:
“If Joseph Smith taught a number of esoteric doctrines that were unknown to have existed in the early church during his time, but which research and uncovered documents (during the 1950 to 1970 period) now show were part of early Christianity, one has to conclude that he was inspired of God.”
PROVE IT! What *are* those documents? You can’t just say that without proving what those docs are? For gawd sakes, this isn’t Mormon Relief Society or Priesthood where anything can be thrown out like it has merit. This is the real world. So, PROVE IT!
“Esoteric”? You’ve got to be kidding me? What esoteric information did JS reference or discover or reveal? I assume, and correct me if I’m wrong, but the documents that were “uncovered” were the Egyptian funerary docs that he used to create the BoA. There were none other discovered, and it was the Met. Museum that found them and sent them to SLC, which then in turn were used to ultimately disprove JS as a prophet because they were not anything he said they were.
So PROVE IT! Don’t just go throwing crap on here without backing it up. Harold Bloom was either a Mormon, or an idiot because if he was referencing those documents, they only prove this it’s a circular pile of dog poo. Just because a person attends Yale doesn’t mean they’re smart. Many rich parents have paid for their kids to get into Yale and they were morons.
e
Bot and Mormons,
If you want to come here and post thoughtful responses to what is written, wonderful. We welcome dialogue as long as it is genuine and respectful. Don’t regurgitate crap from a website or post your institute thesis here because it’s boring. I don’t want boring stuff on my blog. Be sincere. Have the balls to be passionate. What exactly is the point otherwise?
Love,
Moesey
Amen, etienne, I believe he doth protest too much. Mormons who aren’t afraid of the gay issue in some fashion don’t need to keep spouting this.
P.S. bot–WE ARE NOT LONGER MORMON HERE–we left the church. We all know more about what mormons preach about gays than you ever will.
(ro)Bot, By returning here you are either scared of this topic, or you are attracted to it. Either way, I’m glad I’m not a Mormon, and I’m glad that about 80-90 thousand Mormon members resign from the church every year. Gee…I wonder why?
e
Temple Ritual in the Early Christian Church
I became interested in Early Christianity Ritual and its relation to present-day Temple Ordinances because of two events: 1) we viewed an Israel Museum exhibition in Fort Lauderdale, Florida, and 2) our Denver Temple president (Dennis Brown) had done some research on Early Christian Temple Rituals, and wrote a book (Evidences of the True Church). Hugh Nibley had previously written several articles on these topics. Then I was guided to a book Restoring the Ancient Church, by Barry Bickmore
Baptism:
Early Christian churches, practiced baptism of youth (not infants) by immersion by the father of the family. Afterwards, the youth was dressed in a white robe, and anointed with oil and given a new name. This ritual was sacred and not open to non-family members to view. The local congregation had a lay ministry. An early Christian Church has been re-constructed at the Israel Museum, and the above can be verified. http://www.imj.org.il/eng/exhibitions/2000/christianity/ancientchurch/structure/index.html
Baptism for Deceased Ancestors is referenced in 1 Corinthians 15:29 “Else what shall they do which are baptized for the dead, if the dead rise not at all? Why are they then baptized for the dead?” Baptism for deceased ancestors was practiced by Marcionites, an early Christian group, Orthodox Christian groups; Coptics (who even practice it today on occasion); Ethiopian Christians, called Abyssinians; and early Roman Catholics, as reported by Augustine and others.
The Church of Jesus Christ (LDS) continues baptism and a lay ministry as taught by Jesus’ Apostles.
• Sacred Ordinances
Early Christians were persecuted for keeping their esoteric practices sacred and prohibiting non-Christians from witnessing them.
Hippolytus (ca. A.D. 200) made a statement “But if there is any other matter which ought to be told, let the bishop impart it secretly to those who are communicated. He shall not tell this to any but the faithful and only after they have first been communicated. This is the white stone of which John said that there is a new name written upon it which no man knows except him who receives. ”
Clement of Alexandria claimed to possess a secret tradition of knowledge (Greek gnosis) handed down from the Savior to the Apostles and on to Clement himself by way of certain of his teachers. “Clement represents this secret discipline to which he gives the title of gnosis, or gift of knowledge, as having been conferred by our Lord, after his resurrection, on James the Just, John, and Peter, by whom it was communicated to the other Apostles; and that by these the treasure was committed to the seventy disciples, of whom Barnabas was one. . . the secret discipline thus instituted by Christ was familiar to those who had been his masters and preceptors,”
“The multitude professing Christianity were therefore divided by them into the “profane,” or those who were not yet admitted to the mysteries, and the “initiated,” or faithful and perfect. . . and as none were permitted to be present at these “mysteries,” as they were termed, save those whose admission into the fellowship of the church was perfect and complete, so likewise was it expected that, as a matter of duty, the most sacred silence should be observed in regard to everything connected with the celebration of them, and nothing whatever relating thereto to be committed to the ears of the profane.”
• 40 Days Between Christ’s Crucifixion and Ascension
In Sophia Jesu Christi: “After He had risen from the dead, when they came, the twelve disciples and seven women who had followed him as disciples, into Galilee. .. where they were now at a loss in regard to the true nature of the universe, the Plan of Salvation, the Holy Providence, the excellency of the Powers, about all that the Redeemer did with them, the secrets of the Holy Plan of Salvation, then there appeared to them the Redeemer. “
• Instruction to Adam
In the Apocalypse of Adam, it is related that mystical instruction was given by three heavenly messengers to Adam. Jesuit scholar George MacRae summarizes:’ Father Adam explains how in the Fall he and Eve lost their glory and knowledge. Through the revelation imparted to Adam by three heavenly visitors, however, this knowledge is passed on to Seth and his seed.”
An Egyptian Christian book, the First Book of Adam and Eve describes their posture in prayer: “Then Adam and Eve raised their hands unto God, praying and entreating Him to drive Satan away from them”
• Preliminary Ordinances
Cyril of Jerusalem gave the most complete description of Preliminary Ordinances (Initiatory Rites) (translated into English in 1951 ). [Even though Cyril was a Bishop in the Roman Church about 350 A.D., his views on the Trinity and original sin are similar to LDS’ today.] He wrote five catechetical (kat-i-ket-i-kuhl) lectures for the newly baptized. “As soon, then, as ye entered, ye put off your tunic; and this was an image of putting off the old man with his deeds. . . ye were naked; in this also imitating Christ, who was naked on the Cross, and by His nakedness put off from Himself the principalities and powers, and openly triumphed over them on the tree. . . truly ye bore the likeness of the first-formed Adam, in the garden, and was not ashamed. Then, , ye were anointed with exorcised oil, from the very hairs of your head to your feet, and were made partakers of the good olive-tree, Jesus Christ. ”
“The ointment is symbolically applied to thy forehead and thy other senses, and while thy body is anointed with the visible ointment, thy soul is sanctified by the Holy and life-giving Spirit. And ye were first anointed on the forehead . . . Then on your ears: that ye might receive the ears which are quick to hear the Divine Mysteries. . . Then on the nostrils. . Afterwards on your breast,; that having put on the breast-plate of righteousness, ye may stand against the wiles of the devil. . . (see http://sacred-texts.com/chr/ecf/207/2070037.htm )
“The initiate received a new name after the clothing.
• The Endowment
Male initiates wore mitre or priestly cap “much as though a sphere were to be divided through the centre, and one half thereof to be put upon the head… It has no peak at the top, nor does it cover the whole head as far as the hair extends, but leaves about a third of the front part of the head uncovered. It is attached by a band,.”
“Sacred vestments include a girdle or sash and a robe worn over the shoulders. The robe is worn on different shoulders, depending on the degree within the priesthood.”
“All those who were admitted to the inner sights of the mysteries had a formula or pass-word. .
“Come not with thy wrists extended, or thy fingers spread; but make thy left hand a throne for the right, as for that which is to receive a King. And having hollowed thy palm, receive the Body of Christ” (Eucharist and baptism were part of esoteric ordinances in 2nd & 3rd Century Christianity.)
• The Prayer Circle
“A prayer is offered by the [officiator] in behalf of those in the circle and the others attending which included the giving of thanks, petition for blessing to be pronounced upon the Eucharist, and petition ‘for the common peace of the Churches, for the welfare of the world, for kings, for soldiers and allies; for the sick, for the afflicted, and in a word, for all who stand in need of succor ”
“The names of those to be prayed for were written on parchments, which from being folded twice, were called diptychs”
In the Stromata, Clement of Alexandria, in describing the prayer circle, says “So also we raise the head and lift the hands to heaven. ” The First Century Odes of Solomon explains that this posture was adopted in imitation of the Savior on Calvary: “I stretched forth my hands and sanctified my Lord: For the extension of my hands in His sign; And my expansion is the upright tree.”
3rd Nephi Ch 19 Jesus appeared to his 12 disciples and the multitude in the form of a prayer circle. – -
• The Veil
In the Gospel of Philip, the Savior gave various “seals” and passwords necessary to ascend to the highest heaven: “Here at the veil are imparted the secret “seals” and “pass-words”, which allow free passage through each of their spheres”
“In one narrative, the Primeval Man is drawn up to heaven by celestial messengers: .. The Living Spirit extended his right hand to Primeval Man. The latter seized it and thus was drawn up out of the depths of the world of darkness. . . He was returned to the paradise of light, his Celestial home, where his kin awaited him.”
• Celestial Marriage
Egyptian Christians considered Celestial marriage to be their most holy mystery. The Gospel of Philip states that “those who have united in the bridal chamber will no longer be separated” “One receives them [the male and female powers] from the mirrored bridal chamber.” “if anyone becomes a son of the bridal chamber, he will receive the light.” “The heavenly man has many more sons than the earthly man. If the sons of Adam are many, although they die, how much more the sons of the perfect man, they who do not die but are always begotten.”
“Clement (of Alexandria) believed that marriage and procreation are an intrinsic and positive part of God’s plan for the human race. In this way, the human being becomes the image of God, by cooperating in the creation of another human being. The married man who must devote himself to the administration of a household is a more faithful reflection of God’s own providential care.”
Clement felt that marriage “was good practice for life as a god”
The Gospel of Philip taught that the existence of the world depends on the mystery of marriage: “Great is the mystery of marriage! For without it the world would not have existed. How the existence of the world depends on man, and the existence of man on marriage.
• Rejection of Esoteric Ordinances (part of the Apostasy) xxv
Various reasons for the rejection of Esoteric Ordinances during the Fourth Century:
- Nicene Creed became antithetical to Theosis and Divinization
- Emperor Constantine couldn’t condone secrecy which might organize against state’s authority.
-2nd Century fragmentation of Christian authority
-Hellenism – Greek thought based on Socrates’ rationalism
-Roman (intellectual) fight against Gnosticism (esoteric) resulted in the Roman Church’s burning of the Apocrypha
-Rejection of Jewish esoteric traditions xxv
• Conclusion
Writings from the Dead Sea Scrolls and the Nag Hammadi Codices show that for two centuries after Jesus Christ, certain religious groups practiced rituals that included anointing patrons and the receiving of celestial robes. Teaching about the use of secret names and tokens took place along with passing through the temple veil into the presence of God. Revelations of the secrets of creation and the exaltation and deification of individuals were presented. Ascension into various levels of heaven representing different degrees of glory was a part of the ceremony. The need for moral purity was taught, and Eternal Marriages were performed.
If Joseph Smith taught a number of esoteric doctrines that were unknown to have existed in the early church during his time, but which research and uncovered documents (during the 1950 to 1970 period) now show were part of early Christianity, one has to conclude that he was inspired of God. Yale literary scholar Harold Bloom, wrote a book called The American Religion, in which he writes of Joseph Smith: “I can only attribute to his genius or heavenly intervention his uncanny recovery of many elements in ancient Jewish theurgy that had ceased to be available either to Judaism or to Christianity, and that had survived only in esoteric traditions unlikely to have touched Smith directly.” The Church which Joseph Smith restored is the original Church of Christ, as revealed in the many documents of the first three centuries after Christ .
Although not the only religious group opposing same-gender marriage, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (Mormons) has received a great deal of attention concerning their active opposition to marriages for same gender couples. This website (http://GayMormon.net) seeks to help people understand the Church’s stand on this subject, and on marriage in general.
Marriage was ordained by God from the very beginning of time. He created two people, a man named Adam and a woman named Eve. They were married by Him, not just during this lifetime, but forever. Together, they were told to begin a family and raise their children together. From the first days of the earth, God set the pattern for family life—a man and a woman, and, if possible, children. This basic family structure creates an appropriate foundation for all other units of society and for an eternal life.
Mormons teach that gender is an essential part of who we are, and that it was determined long before birth. However, they do not teach that having homosexual inclinations is a sin. Only the practice of homosexuality is a sin. Feelings are not sinful; practice of inappropriate feelings can be.
Members of the church with homosexual inclinations who choose not to act on them or advocate for the acceptance of such actions can be members of the church in full standing. They may hold any role in the church that may be held by any other unmarried person of his or her gender, which means that most positions are open to them.
The church teaches its members to love and to respect those with homosexual inclinations, just as they do anyone else, and make it clear that mistreatment is not tolerated. However, this does not mean they feel inappropriate behavior must be condoned. Churches are, by nature, in the business of defining right and wrong. If they refuse to do so, to remind people of God’s teachings on any given moral subject, and to stand for something, they have no real reason to exist.
With this in mind, the Mormons, as representatives of God, must take a firm stand on anything that affects the sanctity and well-being of the family, one of God’s most sacred creations. This site will help you understand more about this eternally critical subject.
In order to entirely understand why Mormons object to changing the legal definition of marriage, one must understand a number of critical doctrines of the church. With a complete understanding of these doctrines, while you might still disagree, you will better be able to understand why we feel obligated to fight for the traditional family. Please follow the following path of articles to help you build a foundation for your study.
Child of God—Mormons know that what you consider to be your defining characteristic has a powerful impact on your life. Mormons with homosexual feelings do not consider same gender attraction to be what defines them. They consider the primary defining factor to be that they are a child of God.
Gender was determined prior to birth. What this means to Mormons struggling with same-gender attraction.
Gay Mormons: A summary of what the church believes about homosexuality
Attitude Toward Trials
Mormons and Marriage: How Mormons view marriage and why they don’t want the legal definition of marriage changed.
Mormons and the Same Sex Marriage Battle
Can Churches Participate in the Political Process?
Is Polygamy a Valid Gay Marriage Argument?
The remaining articles on the site ( http://GayMormon.net ) are about basic beliefs of Mormons, for those who want to know more, and they may be read in any order.