Falling Into Life: A Gay Exmormon’s Journey

Chapter Nine – The Disintegrating Gospel: Gold, and Mummies, and Lies…Oh My! Part 1

Mormons are gluttons for punishment, they had to pile on scads more scripture than any other Christian Church…

As if the bible wasn’t heavy enough! You can get the whole thing packaged in a fat, bound “Quad”. Yup, all four sets of scriptures in one handy clump. Four times the daily recommended amount of *guilt*! Somehow they see “more” as a good thing, but currently I tend to subscribe to the old adage that “less is more”. As in *none*, thank you very much. In their case, more is just, well…too damn much.

It takes most people a lifetime to come to grips with the bible. It’s not an easy read, and it’s chock full of some of the sickest shit I’ve ever read. And there’s never an easy ending. Take Sodom and Gomorrah, for instance. This story is typically used to cite how homos are freakish, stalking, bleary-eyed, unrighteous, horrible beasts. But strangely, everyone forgets to finish it out and use it as a warning for drunken incest! Here’s how most people remember it: The only righteous family in the *entire* city, after being assaulted by sex-crazed homosexual zombies, is given the chance to escape annihilation. So as they leave town, they are given *more rules*, “No looking back!” For gawd sakes, why? So the little missus takes a quick peek as her city is blown to smithereens and BLAM! She’s gone to salt.

But here’s…the *rest* of the story: So the remaining “righteous” ones finally get outta dodge, set up camp, and before they can even grieve the mom, the daughters are wielding wine and daddy’s drunker than a skunk getting pole-planted by his daughters for his sperm. (And God actually saved these people, these were the *good* ones!) But why would they do this? Because they needed more babies via incestual relations, gotta keep that family growing! That’s why, silly! (Even if it means backwoods, redneck daddy-fucking!) And that’s one of the *tamer* bible stories.

It’s no wonder that Christians make some of the most heinous criminals on record. Nothing can implant more sinister or nastier ideas into your head faster than the Bible can. But somehow this mack-daddy collection of impossible, implausible and entirely ridiculous myths are taught in Mormondon as *literal truths*. All their scriptures, including the temple ceremonies are literal truths. And I never once doubted that any of it could be less than truth. This is important in understanding how the typical Mormon brain works. When it comes to their beliefs, nothing is doubted, no matter *how* impossible it seems, or how improbably it is. If you start to think about it too much, it rattles too much, and it scares you. It’s called cognitive dissonance.

But getting back to the topic. So early Mormon founders were bored with just the bible, and so they managed to find ways to add on not one, not two, but *three* more books of scripture. The most famous of the trio is called The Book of Mormon: Another Testament of Jesus Christ. As if we *needed* another testament. Seriously. But there ya have it. The second most known of the trio is called The Doctrine and Covenants, think of it as a play-by-play of Joseph Smith’s life via revelations and journal writings. The third least known of the group, and the overall weirdest of the current trio, is called The Pearl of Great Price. It should actually be called The Big Pile of Steaming Dog Poo.

There was a fourth book of added scripture at one time, but it’s been buried and they hope it never comes back, however, it’s easily found online in its entirety. It’s called The Journal of Discourses. It’s basically Brigham Young’s shot at his own Doctrine & Covenants, and it’s chock full of some *really* nutty stuff. I count it as scripture because Brigham Young stated that it was, and the inscription on the title page calls it scripture, as well. This is where Joseph Smith and Brigham Young both state that there are Quakers wearing temple clothing living on the sun and on the moon. No, I’m not kidding.

Most Mormons just carry their quads in and out of their church buildings without ever wondering where they came from, or how they ended up in their hands. It just *is*. That’s all they need to know. But you can be assured that they assume it’s by some normal means, well if you consider miraculous gold plate translations using a magical rock in a hat *normal*. They probably aren’t aware that if they were to carry their Pearl of Great Price into any trained Egyptologist, they’d be told the facsimiles embedded in that book are obviously faked. Or that the little quad they use to define the entire world drags *so much* crazy baggage, it would be heavier than carrying Joseph Smith’s gold plates estimated to weigh some 185 pounds given his physical description of them. Now *that’s* heavy!

Let’s start with the Book of Mormon (BoM), shall we? The faithful believe that this book was “translated” from these gold plates that were buried in a hillside in upstate New York with a bunch of other things. It seems that it took a *lot* of time, energy, and praying for Joseph Smith to finally get his hands on these plates. Personal worthiness issues, maturity problems, etc. impeded their speedy delivery. But once he got them, he never showed them to anyone, although these witnesses saw them wrapped in a closed bag, but they used their “spiritual eyes” to see them!

So in reality, they never saw them, no one saw them except Joseph Smith, he always kept them covered even when translating them although most Mormons believe otherwise due to official church artwork illustrating otherwise to obfuscate the crazy image of Smith with his head buried in a hat looking at a “seer stone” rock. It takes anyone about fifteen minutes of research to uncover these facts using internet sources.

But once you figure this out, you start to wonder why the church would have led you to believe otherwise. It rattles your brain, as it should, but moving on….

Joseph, after seeing God and Jesus in the forest (choose a version), now pines away for the day he can locate and dig up the gold plates because an angel had promised him. Joseph had already become a “treasure seeker” by telling people he could use a “seer stone”, think *magic rock*, to find treasure on people’s land, and had quite the reputation built up, not to mention having served some jail time doing such practices.

Years later, after a few shocking episodes with an angel (no, he was *really shocked* ZAP!), he got them along with some other ancient articles like the Urim and Thummim, you know, the magic specs mentioned in the bible. It was all inside this stone box buried in the Hill Cummorah, in New York State, where it all was kept since being buried there by Moroni eons ago. Tens of thousands of people died on that hill in the last Book of Mormon battle, although none of their remains have been found. Hmmmm.

For a treat, visit the Hill Cummorah Pageant put on annually on that very hill every summer. If I were them, I’d stop the play and start digging in that relatively small hill for that stone box, unless God somehow removed it to test my faith.

Turns out the angel making the golden promises was the spirit of an American Hebrew Nephite Indian (whew!) named Moroni, his dad was named Mormon. Moroni told him that the plates represented the travails of a Hebrew family that sails to Central America (not really sure about that, no one knows where) and becomes the entire Indian population. No mention of Inuits crossing the Bering Straight, so that’s out. Besides, this made for more exciting reading for about five minutes. Except for one small hitch, Joseph Smith couldn’t have possibly known there’d be this *thing* called DNA testing.

So due to this modern discovery that allows us to identify the human remains in criminal cases identifying guilt in rapes, and murders, the BoM is now proven absolutely false. Turns out, this DNA test can be used in other ways as well. For instance, one of the largest DNA studies ever undertaken is called the National Geographic Genographic Study. It uses this modern marvel called DNA to trace mankind’s traffic patterns since the dawn of time. So reliable is this test, that I tested myself and found out that my lineage, as everyone else’s on the planet goes all the way back to one female in Africa.

That’s right, we’re *all black*, descended from dark skinned Africans. Every single human comes from one African woman. This makes it even funnier due to the fact that Mormons are horrifically racist and believe that black skinned people are not valiant, and carry a God-given skin color curse passed down to them from Caine who committed the first murder in the Bible.

But wait, there’s more! They believe that dark-skinned people were not valiant in the pre-existence where we had that war in heaven, remember that? Well, turns out there were those of us who did the physical tossing out of Satan and his hordes, the valiant ones, and they all have white skin. These heavenly slackers, who chose Jesus’ Plan but decided they were too busy to do any evictions, ended up with black skin on earth, the lazy bastards!

But I digress.

Here’s the kicker! One day someone asked him where those valuable plates went, and Joseph Smith simply replied that the angel came down and retrieved them, took them back up to heaven without any fanfare at all. Think about it, how much they must have been worth? One single page could have been traded in for cash and could have financed that *entire* struggling congregation! He had already translated them correctly, so why not? Easy come, easy go? Not in his case, he spent years on their acquisition, and was now supposedly being chased by the hounds of hell for translating them, and not one benefit back? Not even a little gold to keep? Nope. Not even one ounce.

But he did gain something, perhaps even more valuable than gold: An excuse. Now he didn’t have to prove anything to anyone anymore concerning those gold plates. Can you imagine all the probing questions he continually got? How exhausting!

The BoM is now defunct entirely. They hang on to it, though. The sad part is that so many people have given their life saving to do actual excavations in South America to prove it’s real. All failures. The more Mayan information discovered, the more it is contrary to the BoM premise. They’ve not been successful at finding even *one* Native American whose DNA shows even a trace of Hebrew descendency, all show Asian DNA having come through the Bering Straight and progressing downward towards Patagonia. So they’ve changed their entire story from all American Indians being BoM relatives down to there maybe being a few.

Science is a bitch! Remember that whole flat-earth theory? Yeah, science killed that one, too.

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