Sitting on the Couch

Recently, my husband and I were sitting on our couch watching American Idol (the kids make us). I was comfortable laying next to him, my head leaning on his arm, my hand on his thigh and feet touching his. Suddenly I realized that what was happening at that very moment was something I, at one point, thought may never happen again: complete and utter comfort with another human being. It was the simplest, most imperceptible of moments to anyone else but that one moment brought the biggest joy to my heart…

Almost five years ago, before I tore myself away from my ex-husband, I did a little test. One day, when I found myself needing to go to the emergency room for what turned out to be an anxiety attack, I decided to go alone. I didn’t call a soul, not even my Mom. I thought that if I could handle a trip to the ER by myself, I could tolerate the inevitable aloneness that divorce would bring. I did it. I drove there, got told to take a chill pill, got discharged and did it all BY MYSELF. So I was set. I realized that I would not die if I were alone and off I went on my journey into solitude. It was actually nice for a while. His laundry wasn’t all over my floor, I could turn the light on when I was getting ready for work and not wake anyone, I could sit on the couch and watch whatever I wanted without having to always listen to him breathe, for the love of mike. The absence of continuous conflict in my life was so worth any loneliness I may occasionally feel when there was no other adult to talk to for DAYS.

The hope of a future relationship was there, of course, but I wasn’t very optimistic. Of course I could get “dates” and find someone to hook up with on my free weekends but I soon realized how fleeting and empty this all was. It was quickly becoming clear to me that finding a quality individual, worthy of actual space in my life would be almost impossible. The point was driven home to me one day when picking up my son from a friend’s house. The parents were sitting on the couch watching television. Her head was against his arm and they were utterly comfortable. It was the simplest, most imperceptible of moments to anyone else but that one moment brought the biggest ache into my heart. It made me run from the garage up to my bed and flop face down with belly sobs pouring out of me. I realized that, as much as my new life was the right choice and as much peace that had entered since he vacated, I risked never having that utter comfort ever again. My little ER visit test had not prepared me for this. It hit me hard that to get to that moment with someone, the moment where you are sitting on your couch comfortably leaning against each other watching television, a person would have to be invested in me. Who would want to sit there with ME on the couch? He’d have to like me, be attracted to me, listen to all of my stupidity, put up with all my kids, like the way I kiss, like the way I dress, like the way I smell…and I’d have to like all of those things about him. No way. Never, ever going to happen. Even if it could happen…how long would all of that *take*?

I can tell you now that it takes about four-ish years. As of last Tuesday.

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